I've never been so preoccupied with how people perceive me

Never in my life.
It's interesting how I let almost beg others define me. I paid for it, in fact.

Here at graduate school (and in undergrad), we are studying people, essentially. We observe and elicit and provoke and manipulate. Our data, therefore, includes any and all observable behaviors.

And this is exactly how SLPs are judged successful or unsuccessful. Every bit of data counts... in order to increase reliability? I am constantly observed. Every aspect of my Gallaudet career is being watched and evaluated. In the clinic. In the classes. In the hallways... What I am wearing. My demeanor. My red eyes. My vernacular. All of these things are perceived by others. This is all they got to understand who I am. And I guess predict my successfulness in the field.

Now knowing all of this, can you understand a bit more how I need to live my life like Miss Perfect SLP Student? Which I don't. And I am more than aware of it. I am reminded daily.

I have never in my life been so preoccupied with how people perceive me. I am fake with some supervisors. I need to be. I need to show a happy, confident, pro-active student, though I don't think I am a good actress. I am not a different person with the students, but I try to be around the staff and faculty (save one who I am totaly real with). I watch my comments depending on who is around. Act sociable and lively. Act motivated and knowledgable. Can I act insightful... if only.

Before this year, I didn't care much what people thought of me (though I never experienced anyone who detested me). I wore what I liked, expressed myself how I wanted, enjoyed casual, informal discussion of abstract and stupid rhetoric. But now? I miss my old life. Every day I want it to be the weekend. Which isn't all that different. Locked in my room in my pjs.

the slp student's dilemna

it's kinda like if you give a mouse a cookie, he'll ask for a glass of milk.

if you go off to medical school, you'll likely become a hypochondriac.

if you go off to slp school, you'll likely over-assess your speech and language.

i think i have a learning disability

http://www.asha.org/public/speech/disorders/LBLD.htm#two

I think it looks great on paper.... in theory it's perfect.

But in reality... every week I think how it's not.

practice

just dickin around. these suck.

"A cheap person will be cheap with his feelings"

Says my aunt. (We were talking about her several ex's, not about Kevin, but I will go into this later.)

I respect my aunt very much; she has been through a lot in her life, but she doesn't know what she is talking about. Of course the first question when she learned I had a boyfriend (thanks, Dad, for keeping the Israelis up to date on my life), was about his religion. And anything but "Jewish" is the wrong answer, naturally. Then it went on to "How do your parents feel about this?" Ugh. And "How do you feel about this?" which I can't answer in a sentence. I told her I love him. That's the easy answer. I obviously wouldn't be with him now if it was my #1 priority. And I think I can say that the ONLY reason it would EVER be a #1 priority is so that I can answer these questions from various family members with less anxiety... in which case, I would be doing it for so many OTHER people, but not for myself... which I do not agree with.

She responded with "Love isn't everything." She doesn't know what she is talking about. She told my mom and I a story ("Michelle, pay attention") about her first love, who wasn't ready for marriage, but her mother was encouraging her for marriage, and he went off to school and then more school in Italy, and meanwhile she married and had a kid before she say him again. And still today when/if she sees him (maybe a few times since then), her heart sinks. She wonders what would be if she had married him. And I hear that he wonders too. And I hear that regret is an awful feeling.

Apparently she feels better off. Because he is cheap. And she hears his current marriage is having troubles because he is too cheap. Maybe something is lost in translation? I vote that they don't know what love is. Call me a romantic (Srav is rubbing off on me!), but I believe that love conquers all. If you love someone, who loves you, other problems will find solutions. You will work through differences. You will overcome life's struggles. blabhlah. No doubt in my mind.

I also recently learned of a good person in a sour marriage. Basically her husband took away her car, cell, and credit cards for what seems to be no reason (I want to acknowledge my bias source and limited information!). She is stuck at home with 3 children now, while he works. What if there is an emergency? I am not sure of her spending habits previously, but I don't think these actions are leading to an equal relationship, but rather a totalitarian authority. And she stays with him because she loves him. Does she? Does she just love having a husband? Does she just feel stable and comfortable with him, which I will have you all know is part of, but not the only components of true love. (Does she feel stable and comfortable at all?)

Ugh. I say "ugh" to these talks of love! I hate to say it, but as much as I love my family, they do not know me well. What is important to me, what I value and savor and cherish and care for... I do not talk openly about myself... I listen... but perhaps opening my mouth is the only way to increase understanding. I DO preach that communication is key! Emerson, as I always reference, said it is ok to be a hypocrite.

Honestly, I miss Kevin more now than ever. Seeing him once a month is killing me.

Less than 2 weeks!

The Holy Land

I am going to upload a recording tonight, interpreting the videos for the ASL-impaired... (my ASL sucks, and I blame it on almost 2 weeks of limited ASL exposure!)

Driving from the airport to the hotel- night #1.1

ps- hit the audio recording for (shitty) interpretation first, then hit play to see hear it overlap the video.

pps- not only is my ASL falling behind, but also, it is extremely hard for an ASL student to sign with one hand.... good luck understanding this one. Hopefully the later ones will improve after I get used to signing again.

The view from the hotel!- night #1.2

Hot water heaters- night #1.3

the profoundest thing I have heard ever come from the tv show GREEK

there was a moment when Cappie was talking to Spitter, he was helping him cope with the separation between him and his now-ex-girlfriend. He said "relationships either evolve...... or they go extinct... good luck adapting" wait, now I forget what he was talking about, but anyway. that is so true! because if you think about it, there are some friendships that you kinda had, and eventually lost, and then there are ones that last forever. Why? because they evolve. In a good way. In a flourishing way, that makes relationships stronger. ANy relationship, really.

Then they had another episode (or was it that episode?), they had flashbacks to the current seniors' freshman year. How they all met, and before their relationships went sour and got all complicated and confusing. And as the audience member, you kinda assumed there was really more history than you know about. And when you get to see it in a flashback, it makes you appreciate the "current relationship went sour" so much more! Does that make any sense. That's another reason why I love LOST!