I've never been so preoccupied with how people perceive me

Never in my life.
It's interesting how I let almost beg others define me. I paid for it, in fact.

Here at graduate school (and in undergrad), we are studying people, essentially. We observe and elicit and provoke and manipulate. Our data, therefore, includes any and all observable behaviors.

And this is exactly how SLPs are judged successful or unsuccessful. Every bit of data counts... in order to increase reliability? I am constantly observed. Every aspect of my Gallaudet career is being watched and evaluated. In the clinic. In the classes. In the hallways... What I am wearing. My demeanor. My red eyes. My vernacular. All of these things are perceived by others. This is all they got to understand who I am. And I guess predict my successfulness in the field.

Now knowing all of this, can you understand a bit more how I need to live my life like Miss Perfect SLP Student? Which I don't. And I am more than aware of it. I am reminded daily.

I have never in my life been so preoccupied with how people perceive me. I am fake with some supervisors. I need to be. I need to show a happy, confident, pro-active student, though I don't think I am a good actress. I am not a different person with the students, but I try to be around the staff and faculty (save one who I am totaly real with). I watch my comments depending on who is around. Act sociable and lively. Act motivated and knowledgable. Can I act insightful... if only.

Before this year, I didn't care much what people thought of me (though I never experienced anyone who detested me). I wore what I liked, expressed myself how I wanted, enjoyed casual, informal discussion of abstract and stupid rhetoric. But now? I miss my old life. Every day I want it to be the weekend. Which isn't all that different. Locked in my room in my pjs.